Book Review: "Little Panic" by Amanda Stern
“Little Panic” by Amanda Stern
Synopsis: The world never made any sense to Amanda Stern–how could she trust time to keep flowing, the sun to rise, gravity to hold her feet to the ground, or even her own body to work the way it was supposed to? Deep down, she knows that there’s something horribly wrong with her, some defect that her siblings and friends don’t have to cope with.
Growing up in the 1970s and 80s in New York, Amanda experiences the magic and madness of life through the filter of unrelenting panic. Plagued with fear that her friends and family will be taken from her if she’s not watching-that her mother will die, or forget she has children and just move away-Amanda treats every parting as her last. Shuttled between a barefoot bohemian life with her mother in Greenwich Village, and a sanitized, stricter world of affluence uptown with her father, Amanda has little she can depend on. And when Etan Patz disappears down the block from their MacDougal Street home, she can’t help but believe that all her worst fears are about to come true.
Tenderly delivered and expertly structured, Amanda Stern’s memoir is a document of the transformation of New York City and a deep, personal, and comedic account of the trials and errors of seeing life through a very unusual lens.—Grand Central
Rating (out of 5): 4.25
Trigger Warnings: Essentially every trigger imaginable, sorry friends!
Review: One of the greatest pleasures of reading is to see oneself reflected on the page, and I was filled with that eerie sense of “I thought this was just me” through the duration of reading “Little Panic.” This is not a small book, and I read it in about 24 hours, nodding my head in recognition the whole time. Like Stern, I’ve had anxiety and panic issues since I was very, very young. I’ve been convinced since I was very small that my worrying was keeping the people I love alive and safe. It’s a lot of pressure to be solely responsible for the well-being of everyone you love!
Stern’s childhood was certainly more bohemian than mine, as I grew up in a suburb with my (married) parents and two siblings, and she writes lovingly about living in the Village with her mother, siblings, and step-siblings. I’m fascinated by reading about New York in the early 1980s (and also have read a great deal about the Etan Patz case which features throughout the book.) Also, as I work in the world of New York independent schools, I love hearing about people’s experiences at their alma maters. There’s even an (unfortunately less than flattering) mention of the school where I work!
In my reading of memoirs about psychological struggles, I’ve come across so many about depression and eating disorders, but anxiety is a less well-tread topic, and I love Stern for taking it on. Anxiety can be so painfully isolating, causing you to live an experience dominated by fears that are irrational to others and completely real to you. The distance between less-anxious people’s perception of the world and an anxious person’s can feel insurmountable, and it’s often easier to avoid sharing your fears, rather than be thought crazy or irrational.
The book alternates between Stern’s childhood and episodes from her adult life, and we understand how anxiety and panic have been a defining struggle throughout. A particularly resonant recurring theme was her struggle to show romantic partners that her anxiety is not simply negativity, and that she is not choosing to feel the way she is, or interpret events the way she has.
I loved this book because it made me feel seen, and if not normal, then at least not alone. I really hope you give it a try.
TL;DR: An engaging memoir about living with anxiety that I raced through. Even if you’re not anxious, you should read it.
If you liked this, try:
“Burnout” by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski (my review here)
“The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath (lol I had to sry)
“Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” by Jenny Lawson
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